THE BEER TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE:
(Hey Pete,  this one's for you.)

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear. 
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up. 
ACTION: Punch him. 

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in 
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party. 
ACTION: See if they have free beer. 

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. 
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. 
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling. 

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. 
FAULT: Improper bladder control. 
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training. 

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. 
FAULT: Glass empty. 
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. 

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. 
FAULT: You have fallen over backward. 
ACTION: Have yourself chained to bar. 

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts. 
FAULT: You have fallen forward. 
ACTION: See above. 

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. 
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. 
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror. 

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred. 
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. 
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. 

SYMPTOM: Floor moving. 
FAULT: You are being carried out. 
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. 

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark. 
FAULT: Bar has closed. 
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender, take taxi home. 

SYMPTOM: Taxi's interior suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures. 
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. 
ACTION: Cover mouth. 

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles. 
FAULT: You are dancing on the table. 
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking. 

SYMPTOM: Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear. 
FAULT: You have been in a fight. 
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them. 

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted. 
FAULT: The beer is too weak. 
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves. 

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song. 
FAULT: Beer is just right. 
ACTION: Play air guitar. 

SYMPTOM: Ugly woman in your sights. 
FAULT: Insufficient beer intake. 
ACTION: Up the dosage. 

SYMPTOM: Shins and toes hurt. 
FAULT: You've been walking into things. 
ACTION: Maintain dosage. 

SYMPTOM: Squishy feeling in the hands. 
FAULT: You have grabbed hold of a woman's breasts. 
ACTION: Duck to avoid boyfriend's fist. 

SYMPTOM: Bed is bumping around. 
FAULT: Taking an ambulance ride. 
ACTION: It's too late, you made an ass of yourself.